What you see is never what you think you see!

A while back I was having vision problems and thought, oh no, please don’t let my eyes go, I need them for reading and writing. Little did I know that the issue would fade and a new one would crop up.

It is not so much my eyes I should be concerned about anymore but my hands. I am having trouble typing these days and everything I ever did now costs me twice the time if it involves my hands. In addition to the chronic pain and burning, my hands are becoming very disobedient.

When I drive I have to grip the wheel with both hands, one at 10:00, the other at 2:00 and I don’t move them until I have arrived at my destination. This way there is no chance for error but I find my hands almost have a mind of their own during other activities and chores as I often drop things, burn myself, spill things, knock things over or have other mini accidents.

Peeling carrots or anything with a sharp knife is a huge temptation for my hands to fail, either dropping the vegetable altogether or taking a nice gouge out of my hand that was holding the vegetable or fruit.

Washing dishes is another daily calamity of dropping glassware or dishes in the sink or on the counter or on the floor. I do my best to avert things going awry by preparing well but, as real life will,  it’s the ones you don’t see coming that always get you.

Today I can type a little and am trying to get a few things done before my hands fatigue right out. I can take the pain and burning if I must but I don’t want to lose my ability to type so am thinking if I push myself to type something each day, it will help. But I really don’t know.

Between the Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, I have no pain free days anymore. Unless I cave to the pain meds prescribed my doctor but then, they make me groggy, so drowsy I am still good for nothing but a nap from which I awaken and start all over again at square one.

Listen, I am well aware that many have much worse challenges in life. I am also well aware that there are millions who would gladly trade me places right now. But this has been on my mind for some time now and I just had to get it out there so it will stop nagging me, filling me with fear and fright that my hands will just not work one day. Of course having PTSD doesn’t help because your brain always goes to worst case nightmare scenario.

Who knows, I may be worrying for nothing. Maybe there will be a miracle cure tomorrow for what my hands suffer. Maybe I won’t need to worry about my hands anymore. Maybe they will obey me and let me write unimpeded. Well, one can always dream can’t one?

Forward I go, running on trust and faith that all will work out for the best.  I just wish my hands could believe myself as I say that. Still, better to be realistic alongside hoping for little miracles, all things in balance. Now, hands, do you hear me? I’m not settling for this any more, I am just not. So there. Gee, they seem to have smartened up already. Maybe they are afraid of me now, ha ha.

(c) Janni Styles


20 thoughts on “What you see is never what you think you see!

  1. I don’t know what to say except if you ever need or want anything. Please.
    Love and hugs, Yotaki

    Liked by 2 people

    • Don’t worry, dear Yotaki, I am learning about voice recorder programs. Maybe Santa will bring me one lol. Could be a good option if my hands worsen. i am managing but wow, the burns, bruises and cuts on my hands are telling the story. And it’s just as a paramedic friend says, our hands are the most used parts of our bodies. So some issues as we age to be expected I guess.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Have you tried the creams for your hands, like arthritis creams? They help me with my hands, I have the same problems you describe and they help me.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I can empathise with you. it’s hard when your hands are unreliable.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Janni, not being alarming, but by the sound of those symptoms you might just want to go to a doctor and just get a few neuro tests done, just to be on the safe side. (I lost the use of my hands for nearly 6 months with symptoms like that.)

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you for that, I really should see my doctor soon. You may be onto something because when my hands or legs go numb it is both hands or arms at once and both legs at once. I just thought it was the Fibromyalgia but maybe need to find out for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome Janni. Sometimes when you have one condition, like in your case fibromyalgia and arthritis other symptoms can be ignored. But ongoing numbness, spasticities (involuntary movements or spasms of hands feet etc) and loss of grip, balance or co-ordination can point to something neurological. Hope you get it sorted. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks again, will get me checked out, you are right, hard to know for sure.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Of course there always those worse off than you but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right for a little whine session about your own difficulties. If you succumb to the idea that there’s always someone worse, while it may help with positive outlook to a degree, you also risk bottling up how you feel.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Everyone’s struggle is their struggle. You have every right to be concerned and worried. I hope your vision has improved!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, it has, thank you, I am on a natural remedy that seems to be helping my eyes though it was meant for something else. The hands are better some days than others. Waking up is always like a lottery of sorts, lol, I never know how my day will go anymore, just take what comes and work with it as best I can.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. If you ‘think’ you never stop seeing. Physical pain from disease, however, is blind folding. I hope it never ties you down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Likewise, Calvin, I hope it never ties you down either. It is true, so blind folding in that you are bound to whatever condition you are in and blind to anything but the pain in the moment.


  8. Oh, the things we take for granted. You’ve just made me thank God for the use of my hands. Wishing you some sort of cure. Can’t be easy for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Kay, some days are better than others and some have it worse than I do so I try to keep some kind of healthy perspective about it. I think if I couldn’t read and write, it would be the end of me. Friends have told me about voice recording programs so maybe Santa will bring me one lol. And I know there are audio books so I could still listen to books. As much as I curse technology for the way it has taken away or diminished so many of our social interactions (we even see ads and commercials everywhere encouraging us to connect, get outside, go make memories, etc), I do love that these options are out there for us. Would never have had these options years ago.

      Liked by 1 person

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