Post traumatic stress disorder
P T S D
Tightening every muscle
A giant fist of anxiety
Unkind, abusive people are not safe
Safety is on much higher ground
Pay no mind to the nasty folk
They will only bring us down
There is no known cure for this
It’s just the way the brain is wired
Stress and cruelty can wear you down
Leaving you emptied out and tired
Some days are better than others
There is no telling how they might be
You just wake up and try your best
Hoping things work out peacefully
The world is rife with assaulting sounds
People ready to argue on a dime
Guard your heart, your mind and ears
With soothing sights and music sublime
On the days when nothing will work
Take heart in how well you have done
You may have been through wars of many
Yet you are here, living and moving on
PTSD may never be completely gone
It may always be lingering inside
Make friends with your worst fears
Let your “safe people” be your guide
We may never win the war on PTSD
The grueling challenges may never end
Take heart, know you are not alone
In me you have a PTSD friend
(c) Janni Styles
Here is my latest PTSD poster, number 7 in the series:
When people say “this”
and then “that” they go do
how do we know if they
really mean “I love you?”
Will one morn the words become
“I didn’t really mean that either?”
and wobble you to the core
do you stay for more “word skiver?”
Do you run for the hills
or stay for more?
Do you chance taking a chance on
making your own heart more sore?
Unwelcome jolts or unkind events
people no longer who you would often defend
do you start again, how do you mend the rents?
or do you sit contemplating on the fence?
If word is so easily broken
it could happen to me too
nothing is certain, everything can upend
in just a second or two.
One foot ahead of the other I go
trying to find balance in undeserved change
walking ’til I find my peaceful heart again
Now that my love has been rearranged.
(C) Janni Styles
“Those are your pray bones, stupid child,
Can you not see?”
“Kneel and ask God for forgiveness!”
Yet all I really wanted to ask God was
“How did I break my knee?”
(c) Janni Styles
It seems hardly a year has already flown by since the 2016 Bell Let’s Talk Day and yet here we are again. Let’s hope this year’s campaign results in more people keeping the conversation going instead of shutting it down as so many are wont to do when it comes to mental health issues.
Instead of stuffing the big purple elephant under the carpet yet again, let’s talk about why people are suffering without help or experienced support. Some are too ashamed due to life conditioning around mental health matters. Some do not have the financial resources to obtain the expert help they need. Some areas are so lacking in funding for mental health services that programs are limited and wait lists can be up to two years long.
Two years is far too long. In two years a person can grow so desperate they may self harm, grow addicted to drugs or alcohol or suffer a complete psychotic “break” that costs them or those they love their very lives as was the recent situation in Nova Scotia where a man killed his family and himself. He was a soldier needing help for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and just did not get all the help he needed in time.
Let’s not make this another year full of needless tragedy.
Let’s make this the year we not only say “Let’s Talk” but let’s keep on talking and talking and talking. No matter who tries to “shush” us. Let’s keep talking for the sake of all those who are still with us and who still may have a chance to get the support and help they need to heal.
Below is a link where you can learn more about Bell’s Mental Health Day January 25, 2017 and all the wonderful work they do to keep people talking and healing. Following that is my latest PTSD poster and yes, you may share as much and as often as you please. I would be very grateful if you did.
See you next time.
There is a lot of media out there from both organizations and individuals who claim that forgiving is our only way forward once we have endured trauma. The problem I have with this is that I believe you can forgive alright. But forget? Never. If you dare for one minute to let your guard down around certain people who were harmful to you in your past, you leave yourself vulnerable for more hurting. This is always a conflicting statement to me whenever I hear it because forgiving and forgetting aren’t even in the same category in my world.
Forgiving means you have grown past the pain or abuses well enough to let go of them and stop the daily torment of “why why why” but I personally believe it is completely impossible to forget what happened to us. In forgiving I find nothing more than a sensation of not being angry any more. I no longer question “why why why” because I have realized I was not being dealt with by people who were mentally and emotionally intact human beings. If they were, they could never have dealt me the blows they exacted on my psyche and on my person.
A niece who knew I had worked with victims of domestic violence in the justice system phoned to say her common-law husband and father of their three children was bashing her head into the wall. Call the police I said, I am on my way. Her mother (my sister) and I worked tirelessly for days to get their home in order because the police officer who took the children’s father away said he was calling the Ministry of Children and Families. The Ministry visited and the children were deemed safe in the care of their mother but he was not to move back in. Just two months later, my niece let the kid’s father move back in with his skull and crossbones posters and all. I cried when I heard this news.
In trauma counselling for PTSD myself, I was emotionally torn. Should I leave it or should I let the Ministry know of the potential danger the children and their mother were in? In the end, the trauma counselor helped me a great deal by asking me questions that gave me the answer and I used her phone to call the Ministry. I could not take the idea that three little pairs of eyes might haunt me if I didn’t do the right thing by them. If their mother wasn’t strong enough, somebody had to be for the sake of the children and that just happened to be me. He is now fully out of the picture so as far as I know, the children are safe. But again family members, including the niece who called me for help in the first place, blamed and ostracized me for doing this instead of seeing there really is no choice when it comes to the safety and protection of children. They still cannot see it, or rather, refuse to. But I am no longer angry about that either so I guess that means I have also forgiven all their misplaced ire. And all that in the midst of having PTSD. So, as I have said many times and I will likely have to say it again: when you have PTSD you do not lose your intelligence, you just lose your “coping skills.” What you once bounced back from pretty fast just takes a lot longer when you have PTSD.
Not only did I survive a physical assault that could have killed me with one kick to my bladder, I was haunted online even as I struggled massively to cope with the loss of my mother, my job, my decades long marriage, my financial stability, a new relationship of a year that ended due to his cheating which was what ended his own decades long marriage before meeting me and yes, in a nod to a country song, I also lost my dog at the same time all of this was going on. Those nasty minded people had no compassion, no humanity and no regard for anything but their own selfish angers at the misguided conclusions they drew. They dogged me for about a year until I threatened legal intervention. I am sure, unless they did some radical self educating, they are still angry at somebody somewhere and spew their vitriol daily. I am so far removed from that now, I look back and ask myself, “Why wasn’t I able to see how truly broken all those abusers are, what took me so long to see it?”
Two things spring to mind: hope and PTSD. Just as I had held out hope in my marriage every time he promised to drop his multiple addictions and seek help, I held out hope that these cruel minded adults would realize the error of their ways and come to their senses. Add to this the fact that I was taken down by PTSD and it actually felt like my brain was “banging” on the inside of my head in what I now call a “repetitive brain stutter.” I just couldn’t get past the brain stuttering and get the clarity I needed to see that there is no fixing some people no matter the lies they tell themselves and others. Even though I have PTSD, I could finally see they are “broken” and may never come right again. Thanks to three years of trauma counselling and learning coping techniques, my brain does not “bang” inside my head anymore. It hasn’t for almost two years. Still, there are moments when I am still “triggered” and start trembling and stuttering my words. It’s not so much that we have to wrap ourselves in cotton swabs and avoid the world so much as it is to remember your coping techniques. And realize that some people are just not going to ever be good for us no matter what they say or promise.
This is where I will go back to “forgiveness” because I believe I have reached forgiveness. Against the eight family members who sided with my ex and the woman who kicked me, a former bestie of near 20 years, I no longer carry anger or even question why. This is how I know I have reached forgiveness. But I will not give any of them, my ex, the abusive relatives or the physical assaulter a second chance to hurt me. Unless and until a massive public apology occurs from all parties. We all know that can’t happen until they actually deal with the truth and facts of the situation and that is, clearly, not even likely for any of them or they would not have behaved so terribly in the first place. Thankful is my walk forward that I can now recognize abusers on a dime and steer totally clear of them. The last four years have been some of the most peaceful of my life and I am so looking forward to more of the same. This is due, in large part, both because of my own continued healing work and because I now surround myself with people who are “safe.” If you are not “safe,” you don’t “get in” is my new philosophy for living life as peacefully as possible.
I will leave you with my latest PTSD poster and as always, your comments and questions are welcome here. I know this can be tough reading for some and I apologize if you have a hard time reading. Actually going through it is much worse than reading about it as you know. Please know also I am able to write about it with a healthy distance because I am in a much better place now. Well, that’s it for me this week, love, peace and hope to all who read this.
What I know for sure is that relationship abuse, no matter who the abuser may blame for it including the one they are currently abusing, is still abuse. Let’s hope 2017 sees a spate of accountability that renders abuse a long lost word in households presently held hostage by this awful chain of command gone awry.
Speaking of chain of commands gone awry. What I know for sure about 2016 is the U.S. president elect loves Twitter and doesn’t know when to stop embarrassing himself on it. Hopefully 2017 will render him silent in a place that should only be used by those very needy souls seeking “social attention” and not for revenge against anyone who disagrees with them.
Disagreements are another trend I am tired of seeing all over social media. Why can’t we all just get along? If you dislike or disagree with someone, move on. No need to stay and add your opinion because it will not change a single thing. Nothing. No more wasted keystrokes on long winded exchanges that lead to nowhere and nothing.
Keystrokes are an interesting way to speak to many things. Here is another: if your partner is glued to their gadgets, jumping at every little “ping” to reply to people you don’t even know while you settle for night after night of nothingness from them, that relationship is going to end. It might end slow, it might end fast. But the death knell sounds roundly when “little computer people” become more important than the living breathing person beside you who would like to do a few things together, say a walk in the woods, a drive to some place pretty, a show downtown (not a movie, a show or concert but yes, okay, even a movie of their choosing) or any other activity that will never cost as much as being permanently hooked on the damn “gadget people.”
Cost is factored into all things, relationships, living and loving. There is always a cost for loving and in 2016 we lost so many people we loved that we are collectively sharing in this awful cost of grief and mourning that settles in on us and grabs us by the throat every now and then when something, a song or a fragrance, triggers us into grieving yet again. Please, 2017, let more live than die and hurry up with that cure for cancer, please!
Cancer is an invisible killer that can even permeate relationships. Walk tall, speak softly, don’t lie and just be simply honest in 2017. Relationships thrive on trust which is all a large part of all of this. Otherwise a sort of “relationship cancer” sneaks in and starts killing off the goodness between you. If you let it. Be wary of the shammers and scammers but don’t let their cancers kill your goodness in your relationships. Stand tall, speak clear and hold fast to your values. They may be invisible but they are one of the most precious things you can carry with you into 2017.
Goodbye 2016, may you rest in peace as you so deserve to do for all the suffering endured in that year. Not to say it was all bad, some wonderful things happened for some wonderful people in 2016, a year when many babies were born, many were wed and many found love when they had given up all hope of doing so. Rest well 2016, Hello 2017, bring on the goodness, more joys of friendship, living and loving, the simple things we share in life that, at the end of the day, will always matter the most.
Happy New Year, Everyone ❤ ❤ ❤
(c) Janni Styles