A while back I was having vision problems and thought, oh no, please don’t let my eyes go, I need them for reading and writing. Little did I know that the issue would fade and a new one would crop up.
It is not so much my eyes I should be concerned about anymore but my hands. I am having trouble typing these days and everything I ever did now costs me twice the time if it involves my hands. In addition to the chronic pain and burning, my hands are becoming very disobedient.
When I drive I have to grip the wheel with both hands, one at 10:00, the other at 2:00 and I don’t move them until I have arrived at my destination. This way there is no chance for error but I find my hands almost have a mind of their own during other activities and chores as I often drop things, burn myself, spill things, knock things over or have other mini accidents.
Peeling carrots or anything with a sharp knife is a huge temptation for my hands to fail, either dropping the vegetable altogether or taking a nice gouge out of my hand that was holding the vegetable or fruit.
Washing dishes is another daily calamity of dropping glassware or dishes in the sink or on the counter or on the floor. I do my best to avert things going awry by preparing well but, as real life will, it’s the ones you don’t see coming that always get you.
Today I can type a little and am trying to get a few things done before my hands fatigue right out. I can take the pain and burning if I must but I don’t want to lose my ability to type so am thinking if I push myself to type something each day, it will help. But I really don’t know.
Between the Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, I have no pain free days anymore. Unless I cave to the pain meds prescribed my doctor but then, they make me groggy, so drowsy I am still good for nothing but a nap from which I awaken and start all over again at square one.
Listen, I am well aware that many have much worse challenges in life. I am also well aware that there are millions who would gladly trade me places right now. But this has been on my mind for some time now and I just had to get it out there so it will stop nagging me, filling me with fear and fright that my hands will just not work one day. Of course having PTSD doesn’t help because your brain always goes to worst case nightmare scenario.
Who knows, I may be worrying for nothing. Maybe there will be a miracle cure tomorrow for what my hands suffer. Maybe I won’t need to worry about my hands anymore. Maybe they will obey me and let me write unimpeded. Well, one can always dream can’t one?
Forward I go, running on trust and faith that all will work out for the best. I just wish my hands could believe myself as I say that. Still, better to be realistic alongside hoping for little miracles, all things in balance. Now, hands, do you hear me? I’m not settling for this any more, I am just not. So there. Gee, they seem to have smartened up already. Maybe they are afraid of me now, ha ha.
(c) Janni Styles